http://www.reportermag.com/ Tag: Humor from Reporter Online. en-us http://www.reportermag.com/article/60 Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only. RIT students Jeremy Baetlow and Matt Lanciaux want a little more elbow room when it comes to driving on campus. The two are more than fed up with sharing the campus roads with polite drivers. "I am so sick of waiting while someone waves another car through an intersection, or while two drivers exchange insurance information," said Baetlow. "It's time for a ruder roadway." The problem has... Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.reportermag.com/article/60 http://www.reportermag.com/article/62 Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only. In a bizarre turn of events, a male RIT student was spotted with an extremely attractive girl on his arm. The pair was rumored to have kissed at least once in public, and appeared to have some sort of mutual and intimate relationship. Reporter was able to confirm rumors heard rumbling amongst the student population that the male, Evan Bynery, is indeed enrolled in Computer Science at RIT, and... Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.reportermag.com/article/62 http://www.reportermag.com/article/66 Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only. Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.reportermag.com/article/66 http://www.reportermag.com/article/57 Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only. My friends, I have caught a glimpse of the future, a monumental vision for the next great plateau of man's dominance over the known universe. Compared to the coming technological innovation, the moon landing will be a mere passing footnote in history, an insignificant flea on the back of a mighty dog. In order to better frame the power of my genius, I offer the following thesis: Web 2.0 is... Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.reportermag.com/article/57 http://www.reportermag.com/article/58 Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only. On 23 February 2008, RIT opened the Department of Complaint Management in an effort to process the high volume of student complaints circulating campus. To lead the department, RIT hired former DMV manager Gary Burton as the esteemed Head of Complaint Processing. He has agreed to address some of your submitted complaints in Reporter: Matt Chester, third year Biochemistry... Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.reportermag.com/article/58 http://www.reportermag.com/article/61 Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only. RIT benefactor Tom Golisano has donated five million iBricks to the RIT campus. President Dr. Destler stated, "We are a campus of innovation, and we are very pleased to remain on the forefront of innovation, being the first campus to use this latest Apple technology." After signing an agreement with Apple co-founder Steve Jobs, Dr. Destler is able to purchase the iBricks at a heavily discounted... Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.reportermag.com/article/61 http://www.reportermag.com/article/64 Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only. How would you describe yourself? I'm a toaster. What brought you to RIT? Well, I was originally going to be part of an automobile, but somehow, a misplaced shipment brought me here. For years now, I've been trying to get my degree in Food Technology and Processing. I thought, "You know, what the hell- I'm at a college, I might as well make something of it." How do you like RIT so far? I... Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.reportermag.com/article/64 http://www.reportermag.com/article/65 Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only. Tuesday, 1:45 p.m. Hello, RIT Rings. Do you believe that by perpetuating digital media, we create our own universes capable of intelligent thought and suffering? So, every time someone calls your digital answering machine, perhaps the calls themselves take on life within the machine and create myths and theories about the nature of their creators? Have you ever taken a class with Amit... Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.reportermag.com/article/65 http://www.reportermag.com/article/63 Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only. As of April 1, 2008, Reporter will no longer be allowed publication on RIT campus grounds. Due to the questionable content in the Drug Issue, Reporter has been strongly disapproved of by the Institute's administration. "Reporter is more than welcome to take their magazine off campus to be printed. We certainly cannot stop them from that," President Destler said in a brief interview, "...but... Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.reportermag.com/article/63 http://www.reportermag.com/article/69 Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only. The whole staff of the Distorter would like to apologize to . As always, we like to keep it and friendly. If we happen to in any way we are really and sincerely sorry. This is only a and should be viewed as such. When we look in the mirror every morning, we want to knowing that our readers are . We thank you for and honestly please don't . Student... Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.reportermag.com/article/69 http://www.reportermag.com/article/59 Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only. Famed iPhone Hacker and RIT student George Hotz recently announced his latest hack this week, generating much attention and enthusiasm across the Web. Hotz has reportedly "hacked" our solar system's sun, which he claims can be used to tell time from any location. Based on documents detailing his procedure on the Internet, Hotz apparently soldered a paperclip at a 90-degree angle onto a steel... Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.reportermag.com/article/59 http://www.reportermag.com/article/70 Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only. We asked twenty of our friends outside of Java Wally's what they thought were the reasons for the exponential increase in sexual activities during the Winter Quarter this year. Here's what they had to say: Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.reportermag.com/article/70 http://www.reportermag.com/article/67 Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only. The Game Ritter Arena, 2:30 p.m. 5:30 p.m. RIT's The Game team takes on SUNY Brockport in the game where every time you remember that The Game exists, you lose. The very knowledge of its existence means you are playing. Go Tigers! Cost: 4 students, 6 facultystaff, 8 others. Nothing ever happens at RIT on Sunday. Do your damn homework or something. Sunny Outside, 7 a.m. 7:30... Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.reportermag.com/article/67 http://www.reportermag.com/article/68 Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only. Segway Theft Quarter Mile An unidentified male student stole a Segway from an unsuspecting Public Safety officer on the Quarter Mile. Being so heavily reliant on the aforementioned vehicle, the officer was unable to give chase. The student is still at large. The investigation continues. Grand Larceny Wallace Memorial Library A student reported leaving a bag of Reese's Pieces unattended... Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.reportermag.com/article/68