Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.

The whole staff of the Distorter would like to apologize to ____. As always, we like to keep it ____ and friendly. If we happen to ____ in any way we are really and sincerely sorry. This is only a ____ and should be viewed as such. When we look in the mirror every morning, we want to ____ knowing that our readers are ____. We thank you for ____ and honestly please don’t ____.

Student Government CAB NTID the iPhone Kid Public Safety Paula Benway all of RIT your mom real stupid supercalifragilisticexpialcalidotious pimpin’ studious sweet your mom piss you off make you wet yourself make you write a blog about us slap your roommate make you cry use too many puns your mom joke porn shaggy dog story hippopotamus screening of two girls one cup your mom

feel proud feel worthless touch ourselves go out partying forget about it all love you your mom happy laughing going to call RIT Rings creating a Facebook group about us able to read playing World of Warcraft big name porn stars calling Dr. Phil your mom the praise the grief a lovely night last night our hook-up the apple pie the glassware choosing PCs over Macs your mom tell mom the babysitter’s dead tell us what ‘the superman’ really is talk about your true feelings hate cheese show us two girls one cup yell at the computer screen