Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.

Bryan Williams

As of April 1, 2008, Reporter will no longer be allowed publication on RIT campus grounds.

Due to the questionable content in the Drug Issue, Reporter has been strongly disapproved of by the Institute’s administration. “Reporter is more than welcome to take their magazine off campus to be printed. We certainly cannot stop them from that,” President Destler said in a brief interview, “…but allowing the magazine to continue to be published through campus facilities would only further jeopardize our school’s good name.” A name so good, in fact, that a riot at Colonypalooza and a child-molesting professor couldn’t dull its polished smoothness.

The staff at Reporter has been concerned about the administration pulling the plug for quite some time. With past of fences including “one too many penises” on the Sex Issue cover, it’s easy to see why. That Reporter even survived after refusing to “knock off the banjo jokes” is somewhat miraculous. But the Drug Issue was the last straw. The President won’t stand for it and longer.

And Destler is not the only one perturbed. He has received several personal phone calls from RIT alumni stating their thorough disappointment at the direction of the magazine. One alumnus who chooses to remain anonymous claims, “I have read every issue since my freshman year in ’61. Gets me through my time on the toilet…but lately, I get so upset with what they put in there, my plumbing closes right up.”

Many students were surprised to learn the news of the magazine’s future. Efforts have been made by Reporter fans to fight back against the decision including a new Facebook group called “Get Our Magazine Back!”

However, the administration’s strong stand has proven these efforts futile. “We cannot let these disrespectful acts slip through the cracks,” Destler said. “Reporter has stepped over the line, and we cannot risk it happening again. Especially when they call me Banjo Bill.” On the other hand, some students will hardly mourn the loss: “They’re getting rid of Reporter? I didn’t even know we had that major here,” one student stated when he heard the news. A second student said, “Well, I suppose I can start bringing my phone to parties again. I don’t have to worry about my drunk quotes being in Rings anymore.”

Some students felt that it was time for the magazine to go, calling Reporter’s participation in the “Attractive Action” policy (see The Bitch Is Back) via the thinly-veiled Sign of the Week column a cowardly and obnoxious move.

On March 14, 2008 Reporter held its final staff meeting and discussed the topic. The mood was gloomy, as writers, editors, artists, and photographers gathered and shared a solemn hour together. “What will we do now?” Adam Botzenhart, Managing Editor of the magazine, rhetorically asked. “Reporter is my life.” On a final note, as everyone stood to leave, cartoonist Alex Salsberg blurted, “Oh well, the deer jokes were getting old anyways.”

Reporter Magazine would like to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone who was offended by the publication of the Drug Issue. “Our intention was to inform, not to encourage drug use,” stated Jen Loomis, Editor in Chief. Or at least, that’s what Loomis was rumored to have said immediately before passing out on the floor of a local bar. She appeared to take the news especially hard, and has been missing for several days.

As far as the future of the magazine goes, nothing is certain. There is a possibility of off campus publishing, but nothing as of this release has been decided. “One thing is for sure,” Destler warned as a final note, “the magazine’s days on this campus are numbered. And it’s Dr. Banjo Bill to you!”