Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.

Ross Thompson

In a bizarre turn of events, a male RIT student was spotted with an extremely attractive girl on his arm. The pair was rumored to have kissed at least once in public, and appeared to have some sort of mutual and intimate relationship. Reporter was able to confirm rumors heard rumbling amongst the student population that the male, Evan Bynery, is indeed enrolled in Computer Science at RIT, and that his girlfriend, Lyra Hawtes, is pursuing a degree in Advertising and Public Relations here.

The two were spotted taking a stroll together on Friday evening. Reporter caught up with them and asked Evan Bynery the questions on every RIT guy’s mind: “How did you get this girl?” and “How did you get this girl?” and “How did you get this girl?”

The shy and unassuming Bynery did not elaborate much, choosing to gaze into the distance, mumbling, “Uhm, br, uhmm,” but a protective Hawtes immediately took charge, explaining, “Actually, I was the one to ask Evan out. We were both in Whines of the World (see The Bitch Is Back) together. When Professor Burton ran out of ‘Whine & Counter-whine Strategy’ handouts, Evan kindly offered to share his with me. I immediately started crushing on him. He was so nice!”

“From then on, I kept pretending to forget my textbook or notes. I talked endlessly about him to all my girlfriends, and they went, ‘What? Who is this guy?’ but I didn’t care, I absolutely adored everything about him, from the quirky eyebrow expressions to his sweater-vest Fridays,” gushed Hawtes. “Plus, he’s really good at math.” Bynery sheepishly professed, “I’m such a moron… I kept thinking I’d tell her I liked her, but I just couldn’t find the guts to do it. I still can’t believe she actually asked me out. I mean, come on! Me!”

When asked what this odd couple has in common, Bynery made the astute observation, “We both have white socks. Lyra likes frozen blueberries, too.” Embarrassedly, Hawtes intoned, “Er, yes, that, and we both took Whines of the World. But really, we’re just like any other couple, and we’re making the effort to learn about one another.” Remarked Bynery, “She’s surprisingly good at Team Fortress 2.”

In a follow up interview, we asked Bynery what Hawtes thought of his gargantuan anime porn collection and his twenty thousand-strong army of painted Warhammer figurines. Bynery replied, “You didn’t ask her about those, did you?”

Reporter wishes Bynery and Hawtes all the very best of luck in what can only be described as a whirlwind romance that has stunned the campus in all of its unlikelihood.