Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.

Caitlin Yarsky

RIT students Jeremy Baetlow and Matt Lanciaux want a little more elbow room when it comes to driving on campus. The two are more than fed up with sharing the campus roads with polite drivers. “I am so sick of waiting while someone waves another car through [an intersection], or while two drivers exchange insurance information,” said Baetlow. “It’s time for a ruder roadway.”

The problem has long since concerned RIT’s Parking and Transportation Services, and has finally been brought to the attention of Associate Director Paula Benway, who noted, “These two young gentlemen were able to show us just how dangerous it was to allow sensible drivers to dominate the roads. By causing an accident, they made us realize that something needed to be done immediately. We didn’t realize how much we were jeopardizing the effectiveness of transportation around RIT.”

Benway therefore pitched the plan for a new lane of traffic, maintained exclusively for reckless driving. The plan was met with much praise. “It was a definite why-didn’t-I-think-of- that reaction,” laughs Benway, “For college students, it would only make sense to provide a space for imbecilic driving on campus. Imagine all the times [students] probably had to trudge behind someone driving within the campus speed limit, or even had to worry about maintaining a sense of logic while driving. Those days are all gone now.”

“Hell, I may even use this lane myself,” mused Benway. “Destler drives like my grandmother! I hate getting stuck behind that guy in traffic.” Construction is set to begin in August 2008 on the eastern side of campus. Contrary to popular belief, the reckless driving lane will be created as a right lane of traffic (or “slow lane” as interstate speeders Baetlow and Lanciaux call it) so as to increase the recklessness of the situation.