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Note: This story appeared in our April Fools Distorter issue and is for comedic value only.
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| Ryan Randolph |
RIT Department of Complaint Management
On 23 February 2008, RIT opened the Department
of Complaint Management in an
effort to process the high volume of student
complaints circulating campus. To lead the department,
RIT hired former DMV manager Gary Burton
as the esteemed Head of Complaint Processing. He has
agreed to address some of your submitted complaints
in Reporter:
The Sentinel is ugly!
Matt Chester, third year Biochemistry major.
Burton The sentinel was the best statue
we could afford with your tuition money,
which went directly into the artist’s pocket.
To be frank, we just can’t win. If we had
raised tuition in order to buy a better statue,
you guys would complain, too. There appears
to be no way to use your tuition money (to buy
giant statues) that makes you happy.
There are no girls here!
Ryan Mann, fourth year Information Technology major.
B We were hoping you wouldn’t notice.
Every spring, on that one day when the sun
comes out, RIT hires several hundred Hollywood
extras to pose as female students in revealing
outfits. This gives the illusion that girls
do exist; they just hide throughout much of the
year. Meanwhile, we are making attempts to
even the actual ratio. We are planning to add
some girlier majors, like Bioengineering and
Pot Roast Cooking. You may have also noticed
that the freshman class does have a lot of cute
girls. This is due to our recent (and controversial)
implementation of “Attractive Action.” It is
a good first step, however none of them want
to date you.
Housing pissed me off by (blah blah blah blah ...)
Jillian Cerrone, second year Business major.
B Housing was never intended to be a real
campus organization. In 1921, RIT President
Royal Farnum owed some favors to the mob
and had to create a fake post from which they
could operate. It all snowballed from there.
Interestingly, Housing’s policies have not undergone
many changes since they were drafted that
year. Especially frustrating is the rule against
foam “egg crate” mats, which are not only extremely
comfortable but are also known to reduce
the risk of cancer in users.
That guy just went up only one floor on the elevator!
Erika Uyterhoven, first year New Media major.
B I’ll start by saying that there is no doubt that
he is worse than Hitler, but it has been theorized
that the person who complains about the person
who goes up one floor is actually a far bigger tool
than the person who does it. I’m not implying
anything about you here, just giving you something
to think about.
Gracie’s is gross. Why does the
freshman meal plan not let me eat
anywhere else?
John Bosman, first year Mechanical Engineering major.
B Let’s be honest. You guys would just end up
going to The Commons everyday. And the only
good thing there is Quiznos. And you’ll get so
sick of Quiznos. And then you’ll want to go back
to Gracie’s, but you’ll be too embarrassed, because
you made such a big deal out of how bad
it was. So you’ll try and throw it out there as a
joke, like, “Ha ha guys, let’s go to Gracie’s for old
times’ sake! LOL!” and everyone will have a good
laugh, but not actually want to go, so you’ll keep
“jokingly” asking all the time, and everyone will
get sick of you.
If you have a complaint, Gary Burton’s office is located
in room A-140 of a giant chrome eggplant that was
paid for by your tuition money. He is also teaching
two sections of Whines of the World this quarter.
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