Hulk Rules
I have a unique fascination. I find it absurdly
entertaining when things are done horribly.
Whether it's zombie movies, crazy
commercials, or oddities on the home shopping
network, it seems that how much of a failure
something may be just adds to its humor. There
is something greatly satisfying about watching
“Attack of the Giant Leeches” and noticing
that the jaws of each creature were fashioned
with plungers, and the “disgusting” larva sacks
were nothing more than plastic garbage bags
drenched in jelly.
Luckily for us, this principle of finding value in
the most horrible of things extends to music
quite well. Enter Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling
Boot Band. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to
figure out that Hulk Hogan has no business
making an album. We all know how it turns out
when celebrities try to make music, and it is not
good. Hulk and his band tackle every mid ‘90s
style on Hulk Rules. From synthesized pop to
rap and everything in between, there is surely
something here for everyone to enjoy. Hulk’s
wife even sings back up! What more could you
ask for? The album as it stands today is just
so wonderfully horrendous that it must be appreciated.
Such lyrical gems as “I used to tear
my shirt, but then you tore my heart” from the
monster ballad “Hulkster in Heaven” are one in
a million. Hearing Hulk Hogan attempt to rap
is only outdone when his wife chimes with a
chorus of “Hey, check out the pythons, baby.” If
you can sit through that without bursting out in
laughter, you probably aren’t human.
This album was put out in 1995, after Hulk had
already established himself as a wrestler in the
World Wrestling Federation. The irony of this
whole situation is that Hulk was actually discovered
as a wrestler while playing bass in a
bar band. The Wrestling Boot Band also included
wrestler Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart, who
actually enjoyed a bit of musical success before
his days as a wrestler. His former band, The
Gentrys, toured with Sonny and Cher, as well
as The Beach Boys.
Ladies and Gentlemen, if you have a chance to
get your hands on this album (and I won’t detail
how), you will thank me for it. If you fail a test,
get dumped, or break your arm, this is a surefire
pick-me-up. I leave you with words of wisdom
from the song “Hulkster’s In The House”:
We’re rocking down the house The band is playing
loud We’re blowing off the roof And we’re gonna
rock n’ roll.
It doesn’t even rhyme—and that’s what makes
it so awesome!
|
